Glossary of New Speak

acupuncture (n): A modern day bed of nails.

affirmation (n): Words or sentences newageoholics say when they arenít getting enough of what they want.

air sword (n): Similar to air guitar but without the soundtrack; used to slay demons on the astral planes.

Akashic landfill (n): The etheric dump where New Age thoughts are stored.

alien alarm system (n): This isnít a joke, for only $399, you too can have "peace of mind."

anti-samahdi (adj): The state of non-awareness one achieves when abusing the New Age.

Aquarian (adj): The astrological sign of the collective New Age; dawned in the late 60s and continues to fill the sky with proverbial pie.

Archangel (n): Supervisors, managers, and foremen of angels, which means smart New Agers go directly to them for assistance; archangels with the biggest New Age draw include Mikael, Ariel, Gabriel and Metatron.

Ascended Master (n): A disembodied entity with clout; A.M. whoís who list includes Sananda, Kuthumi, St. Germain, Maitreya and Sanat Kumara; see disembodied entity.

ascension (n): The New Age lotto; a feat performed by Jesus on Good Friday, thus explaining why so many New Agers act like Christians; see Sananda. Also: to ascend (v)

ashram (n): The place where good little New Age boys and girls live when they are too confused to deal with the real world; see guru.

Ashtar command: An alien army of do-gooders.

astral projection (n): A cheap method of travel; often employed for spying missions in areas airlines wonít fly, like an ex-girlfriendís bedroom. Also: to astral project (v)

astrology (n): The perfect excuse. Newageoholics use it to explain away flat tires and determine the compatibility of potential mates; however, in extreme cases, it has been used to dictate the actions of governments. Also: astrologer (n)

Atlantis (n): The waterlogged up homeland of many New Agers; believed to be where Hollywood got its script for the Titanic. Also: Atlantian (adj)

aura (n): The energy which surrounds the human body, also known as the Emperorís New Age clothes. Also: auric (adj)

black hole (n): What people fall into when they go to their first Whole Life Expo.

bliss (n): The least obtained and most over-rated state of the New Age; has been known to cause a related malady called blissninnyism.

blue green algae (n): The pond scum making multi-level marketers rich.

chakras (n): The Hindu word for the rotating energy wheels that feed the body cosmic energy; they often get flat tires when newageoholics pretend to understand them; see energy.

channel (n): Not to be confused with a body of water or NBC, channels are schizophrenics who know how to turn their multiple personalities into assets. Also: to channel (v) and channeled (adj)

chi (n): Pronounced "key" or "chee" (as in "Iíll have another chi chi please"), chi impels New Agers to go to the park at dawn and air chop with all the old Chinese people.

compassionate wisdom (n): Like bliss, this is something most New Agers only pretend to have.

Council of Seven [or Eight or Nine or Ten...] (n): Disembodied entities who join together to tell New Agers what to do; see disembodied entity.

Course of Miracles (n): A never-ending, self-study program for New Agers who are too embarrassed to admit theyíd rather be Christians.

crop circles (n): Farmers on acid or aliens? You decide.

crystal (n): A pet rock with an attitude.

cuddle puddle (n): The airy fairy term for group groping; requires at least five or more New Agers on the same area rug.

darkside (n): A personality aspect New Agers rarely admit to having.

deva (n): A being of light which is not in human form, thus should not be confused with an opera singer or Bette Midler.

devotee (n): The fool who gives up sex, chocolate, television, money and personal accountability in order to follow around some rich guy with a funny name; see guru.

dimension (n): The floor one incarnates on, the higher the better; Earth is 3rd dimension, but many New Agers claim to have a psychic elevator that takes them as high as 13 floors; it is called a New Age Department Store. Also: dimensional (adj)

disembodied entity (n): Someone who doesnít have a life, so it takes over the lives of newageoholics.

dodecahedron (n): The geometric shape left-brained New Agers refer to as God in a polygon; see sacred geometry.

dolphin (n): Ocean mammals who are forced to swim with New Agers.

dowsing (n): The technique a New Ager uses to locate misplaced Evian bottles or find Miata keys in the sand. Also: to dowse

dream catcher (n): A net hung over the bed to catch masked baseball players with seven figure incomes.

Drunvalo Melchizedek (n): Sacred geometryís highest paid spokesman, his royalness the Chief Commander of Hype; see sacred geometry.

duality (n): A New Age no no; considered to be very 3rd dimensional (i.e. unevolved).

Elohim Board of Universal Governance (n): otherwise known as Archangel, Inc.

The Emerald Tablets (n): One of the New Age bibles; marketed as an ancient text written by a now disembodied entity.

enneagram (n): The New Age personality atlas, thus too confusing to bother explaining.

eightfold path (n): A path that has been folded eight times and placed in a New Agerís pocket so it wonít be mistaken for a fifty dollar bill.

energetic resonance signature (n): A New Agerís social security number; see vibration.

energy (n): Kind of like cosmic gasoline, energy is what New Agers pretend to feel when they want to impress their meditation teacher (i.e. good energy, as in "Wow, I really felt the energy!") or black ball someone they donít like (i.e., bad energy, as in "Solaraís energy is totally 3-D!").

enzyme supplements (n): Digestive aids New Agers take to get Powerbars through their bowels.

feng shui (n): The Chinese art of superstitious decor; New Agers love it because it blends well with Tibetan, Native American, Zen and Hindu artifacts.

first wave (n): An elite group of starseeds who have earned the right to leave the planet before everyone else; akin to a making the New Age Olympic Team; see ascension.

flower essences (n): Flower charged water used by newageoholics trying to get off Prozac.

Fourteenth Insight (n): The yet to be revealed insight; however, if it is anything like the previous thirteen, it is bound to be horribly written and make its author even richer than he already is.

fractal (n): Infinitely repeating patterns of colored waves targeted to newageoholics who dropped too much acid in the 60s; usually marketed as computer screen savers.

geodesic dome (n): A New Age tract home; other models include yurts, RVs, school buses and teepees.

geomancy (n): Euphemism for feng shui and sacred geometry; see feng shui and sacred geometry.

G-spot (n): A mythological area devised to make it easier for New Age women to fake orgasms; see tantra.

ginkgo biloba (n): A supplemental herb that is to New Agers what cocaine was to Wall Street in the 80s.

God (n): Using this word to refer to the cosmic question mark is a sure sign of New Age naiveté; New speakers prefer words like "Universe", "Great Spirit", "Light", "All That Is", "I Am Presence" and, most recently, "GaiaMind"; however, God can also be the parking cop who agrees not to write you a ticket.

Goddess (n): The female version of God; currently obsessed with becoming empowered.

Great White Brotherhood (n): A 5th dimensional Aryan race of ascended guys who feed on the spiritually challenged; see Ascended Masters and disembodied entities.

Greys: The race of aliens who mutilate cows for the secret beef industry and abduct traveling vitamin salesmen; New Agers believe Greys are in cahoots with the American government, hence the reason for their dull pallor.

grid reality matrix [GRM] (n): Like the big bang, a term used when New Agers donít have a clue.

Guru (n): Someone who uses what they know to convince others that they donít know anything; often use their position to get sex and Rolls Royceís.

Harmonic Convergence (n): The worldwide event in August of 1987 that changed the way America watched Shirley MacLaine movies; should have been called Synthesizer Convergence due to the harmonica to synthesizer ratio.

health food store (n): A singles bar, psyche ward, and overpriced grocery store all rolled into one convenient stop.

hemi-synch (adj): What happens when the left and right brain finally agree upon something; pseudo-science for "hemispheric conditioning."

hieroglyph (n): An Egyptian pictorial alphabet some newageoholics learn to read in order to convince others of their past lives as pharaohs.

higher power (n): A despot who squelches a New Agerís ability to have fun; similar to God, but with more stigmata.

holograph (n): the New Age version of the Holodeck.

homeopathy (n): Medicine for New Agers who donít get out enough.

Hopi Prophecy (n): The Native American apocalyptic prediction that gives New Agers an excuse not to vote.

I Am Presence (n): see God.

I Ching (n): Pronounced "ee" "ching", this is a Chinese divination method that gives New Agers something to do when they are bored or alone; especially useful if theyíve just discovered their soul mate in bed with his twin flame.

inner child (n): The almighty tyrant who thinks itís okay to force others to watch Alien Autopsy: Fact or Fiction? twenty times; opposite of a Higher Power but equally problematic.

inner planes (n): Tiny Cessnaís that fly inside the minds of New Agers.

Jupiter line (n): The New Age equivalent to beach front property; see astrology.

Kali (n): An excuse to rage; see Goddess.

The Keys of Enoch (n): Another New Age tome except this one is presumed to be written by a dude who knew the dude who wrote Revelations; most New Agers canít understand it but they claim just holding the book exposes them to "the vibration of its teaching."

Kirlian photography (n): A technique that New Agers use to shoot people in the aura and get paid for it.

kiva (n): Native American ceremonial ruins that New Agers like to trample on.

Kryon (n): A disembodied entity with a magnetic twist, whatever that means; see disembodied entity.

Lemuria (n): A creationist story similar to Atlantis but with less water.

lightworker (n): No relation to electrician, lightworker is what New Agers call themselves when they are feeling important.

lingam (n): The dangling male appendage that fits inside a yoni; see yoni.

Machu Picchu (n): While not as esteemed as the Great pyramid, these dilapidated stone ruins have led to New Age infiltration of Peru.

macrobiotics (n): A vegetarian religion known for its worship of seaweed.

Major Arcana (n): The 22 big guns of the tarot; see tarot.

mandala (n): A New Age Rorschach test; used by seminar leaders to determine gullibility.

mantra (n): A repetitive jingle or sound bite meant to keep New Age minds under control and thus dimwitted enough to follow a guru.

maya(n): Referring to the human drama, this Hindu word is used by New Agers who want to appear cosmopolitan.

Mayan Calendar (n): With an end date of 2012, this calendar has propagated the hottest prophecy in town; buy stock before time runs out and get a cut of the calendar, book and tour company sales.

medicine wheel (n): Since 50 states werenít enough, yuppie New Agers stole this ritual so they could use it to fix flat tires on their mountain bikes and Jeeps.

meditate (v): An act performed by New Agers in order to seem enlightened; however many newageoholics produce the same effect just by saying they meditate rather than actually doing it. Also: meditation (n)

Mercury in retrograde (n): An regularly occurring, astrological event that gives New Agers an excuse for getting fired, wrecking their car, breaking a leg, or having an overall shitty day.

merkaba (n): Mystery school lingo for two interlocking pyramids a la the Star of David in 3D, this ancient symbol moonlights as a spaceship for New Age consciousness; see sacred geometry.

meridians (n): The Chinese word for the bodyís center dividers; hence the reason for moxibustion cones; see chi.

Merlin (n): Yes, Merlin, as in King Arthurís Merlin, as in Walt Disneyís Fantasia; see disembodied entity.

Metatron (n): see archangel.

Michael entity (n): Not to be confused with the Jackson 5, this is a group of disembodied entities who have joined together to give New Agers another divisive nomenclature.

money game (n): A pyramid scheme geared toward New Agers who are addicted to abundance affirmations.

Mother Mary (n): Although not your typical disembodied entity, MM is still responsible for numerous New Age delusions as well as countless car crashes (brought on by her unannounced appearances on the sides of buildings and freeway on ramps); sheís also a major source of dental cavities; see Goddess.

Native American (n): To be one is the New Agers wet dream.

NAegos (n): The word for New Age egos, which is easily confused with Eggos, as in let go of my NAegos.

New Millennium (n): An Oz-like epoch peopled by New Agers who survived the end times, the big one, the second coming, the apocalypse, the polar shift, the secret government, the alien abductions and Hollywood; also known as a great way to circumvent today.

nirvana (n): Where Kurt Cobain probably didnít go.

out-of-body experience [OBE] (n): Otherwise known as a lack of body awareness; often confused with near a death experience.

ozone (n): Souped-up oxygen.

pastlife regression (n): An example of the extremes a New Ager will go to avoid responsibility for this life.

patchouli (n): Held over from the hippie days, this is the New Age Channel No. 5; other popular scents include amber, sandalwood and myrrh.

parallel universe (n): A world where the New Age doesnít exist.

pendulum (n): A tool New Agers use to make decisions, such as whether or not to get out of bed in the morning; also known as a parent on a string.

photon belt (n): An interstellar fashion statement New Agers fear may be on par with Californiaís "big one".

planetary grids (n): see grid reality matrix.

Pleiadians (n): The funny blue beings who like to write New Age books.

polarity process (n): A therapeutic technique that nobody understands.

portal (n): A port hole in the sky that gives aliens Earth visitation privileges.

psychic awareness (n): Another over-rated but rarely attained state; New Agers use this one to gain speaking engagements and publishing contracts.

pranayama (n): An air toke.

Quan Yin (n): see Goddess.

RA (n): The voice behind the RA Material and the City of Oz; see disembodied entity and Michael soul groups.

Ramatha (n): see disembodied entity.

rainbow (n): A distant cousin of Ronald McDonaldís Golden Arches, this colorful companion has left the New Age in order to serve Earthís 10 percent; however, some New Agers continue to cling to its 70ís identity, which may suggest they are residing in more than one closet.

rainstick (n): Yet another expensive New Age toy; mainly valued for its Native American origins.

raw food (n): What gives newageoholics the energy to survive three days of the Whole Life Expo; generally consists of foul smelling sprouted things, vegetables, fruits and uncooked bread: Yuk!

reality police (n): The undercover agents stationed in every meditation hall; it is widely believed that those serving the New Age beat are corrupt.

rebirthing (n): Just one of the absurdities a newageoholic will endure to avoid psychotherapy; also an excellent opportunity to remember what it was like to be between a womanís legs.

reiki (n): An amorphous healing technique newageoholics learn so they can say they are lightworkers; fortunately for trainers, there are as many licensing levels of reiki to master as their are practitioners.

reflexology (n): The ideal job for a New Ager with a foot fetish.

responsibility (n): A new age buzzword, as in "you must take responsibility for your actions"; usually translates into "I didnít do it you did."

rune stones (n): Portable cave drawings New Agers use to get in touch with their Teutonic lineage.

sacred geometry (n): God squared; used to give New Agers a sense of the world before calculators.

Sananda (n): New Speak for Jesus and synonymous with the Christed One, this disembodied entity come Ascended Master is heralded by New Agers for his leadership in the Ashtar Command; see Ashtar Command and Ascended Master.

satsang (n): The Hindu term New Agers use to prove theyíve been to India; refers to ass kissing the guru in a group.

seance (n): Archaic term; see channel.

Seth (n): see disembodied entity.

Serapis Bey (n): see Ascended Master.

shaman (n): A drug addict who uses his New Age connections charge people money to party with him; not to be confused with tribal leaders or healers.

Shakti (n) Married to Shiva.

Shiva (n): Married to Shakti.

sannyasin (n): The Hindu word for spiritual renunciate; however, most New Agers use the term to renounce anything but the life and teaching of O-Show, the Bhagwan Bhakteesh; see satsang.

SNAG (n): Acronym for "Sensitive New Age Guy"; otherwise known as an emasculated male who prefers yoga to football and uses massage as a pick up technique.

soul retrieval (n): A New Age oxymoron, particularly since so many New Agers give up their soul to the idea that they can retrieve it.

spirulina (n): see blue-green algae.

starseed (n): A self-elected member of the 144,000 chosen souls; NAA members call them cosmic weeds; see first wave.

stargate (n): A copper fence newageoholics erect in their living rooms to make it easier to borrow sugar from the Pleiadians.

swami (n): Archaic; see guru.

sweat lodge (n): An overgrown smoke house where New Agers gather to practice their ability to chant while dying of heat exhaustion.

tai chi (n): An energy exercise that resembles a mime playing racquetball; see energy.

tantra (n): Sex with Hindu underpinnings; in the New Age, tantra is also known as high school without clothes.

tarot (n): A 78 card system of fortune telling that some New Age women use to justify their dependence on INAGís (insensitive New Age guys); also a great way to drop $70 bucks in 45 minutes.

teepee (n): Alternative housing for Native American wannabes; also the name of the frequent urination disorder that occurs when a New Ager consumes too much herbal tea; see geodesic dome.

tetrahedron (n): a glorified triangle; see sacred geometry.

third eye (n): An invisible eye embedded in the forehead; New Agers believe it is a psychic jackpot and thus will walk on fire in order to find it; known to cause a related disorder called Cyclops Syndrome.

Thirteen moon calendar (n): Derived from a Mayan system of thirteen moons (i.e. months) in one year; New Agers like it because it offers them more opportunities to annoy their neighbors with drum circles; see Mayan calendar.

Tibetan cymbal (n): Brass replicas of flying saucers that make noise when clanged together; great for torturing dogs and cats.

tofu (n): Soy meat; New Agers say it tastes like chicken.

tonal essence (n): The stuff leftover after a New Ager clips his toe nails.

twin flame (n): Blows soul mate out of the water as the perfect New Age mate; two starpeas in a pad.

unicorn (n): Way too 70ís to make the New Millennium; see dolphins and whales

vata, kalpha, pitta (n): Ayurvedic terms for skinny, fat, or confused.

vibration: also known as vibe, this is what New Agers claim to feel when they walk into a room.

vision quest (n): New Age radial keratotomy.

vortex (n): What unsuspecting people step into when they enter health food stores, New Age bookstores or the Whole Life Expo; see portal.

walk-in (n): A disembodied entity who decides to take up residence in a New Agers body "for the greater good of the Universe" and thus regulates the old self to purgatory; a personality quirk respected by New Agers; see disembodied entity.

whales (n): Just like Elvis in his early days, these famous maestros are being exploited by New Age music producers; Greenpeace is currently fighting for copyright privileges and a better royalty package.

Whole Life Expo (n): A New Age sales convention.

witch (n): Not to be confused with women who ride brooms and cackle, New Age witches run with wolves and organize spiral dances and community potlucks.

workshop (n): New Age snake oil; also marketed as intensives, retreats, seminars, gatherings, and circles.

yin/yang (n): A Chinese symbol cheapened by New Age use; among other places it appears regularly on cars, earrings, T-shirts, sarongs, journals, toothbrushes and condoms.

yurt (n): A teepee without the nipple; see geodesic dome.

yoga (n): The New Age answer to aerobics; the underlying cause of the common New Age disorder Mulabunda Toomuchaka, also known as up tight ass affliction.

yoni (n): The female receptacle for an excited lingam.

Zafu (n): Round meditation cushion named after the sound it makes when sat upon.

11:11 and 12:12 (n): Cosmic barn doors; see Harmonic Convergence, portal, stargate.


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